25/52 - Finding Hope and Peace
I’ve mentioned in two previous posts that after my mom passed away, I found some notes she had written about a variety of subjects, included a short set of posts that she wrote during a Catholic grief retreat. There were a number of reasons why I’ve distributed them: 1) I think they’re very well written and insightful; 2) Publishing them is a way to keep her voice around a bit longer; and 3) She always loved to have the last word, and the posts are a way to let her have that. She never did anything without thinking it through, and I doubt she would have left them if she didn’t want them to be found.
As I usually tell people when I give presentations about records and IMMIGRANT SECRETS (https://www.amazon.com/Immigrant-Secrets-Search-My-Grandparents/dp/B0B45GTTPP), talk to older people when they are still around. Take the time to write down or record what they say. There is an African proverb I like a lot — “When an elder dies, a library burns down.” Don’t miss a chance to preserve the lives of past generations as an inheritance for future ones.
Here are some of the previous posts:
20/52 - Growing up in the Depression
21/52 - Grief and Faith
Looking Ahead - Thoughts at a Grief Retreat
Looking at what lies ahead is scary and I don't really know if I'm up to it. How easy it was to join hands and travel the road together - how frightening it is to go It alone. You were and are such an integral part of my life. Together we raised six fine children who would go on to raise their children and convey to them the better traits inherited from you and me. Joe came from a beginning shrouded in pain and emerged a thoughtful caring individual whose Journey to the next stage came all too soon.
My biggest frustration in being single again is not being able to share everything with someone else no matter how mundane. When Joe died, half of me died. I guess I'll have to rebuild that half back to a whole somehow.
I fear getting too close to someone again - he may leave. I'm very set in my thinking. Could I adapt to someone else's idiosyncrasies? Could he adapt to mine? Taking on a new relationship involves too many responsibilities to another person. If the need arose could I nurse someone through a lengthy illness? I don't know. Would I have the sensitivity? I don't know.
I would someday like to be involved in a close relationship, to be held close, hugged, and be loved! Maybe someday!
For so long I've covered up my feelings to the outside world. My obsession was to have people think of how well I was doing. How foolish! How can you end one part of your life and start on another until you put the first properly to rest? Starting over is not easy. I hope I make it!
I hope I've started! Like anything new it will be difficult. How will I begin? I don't know. Perhaps a first step will be to accept invitations that come along and stop being afraid of getting too involved in life. What can happen? Maybe get stepped on a bit, maybe incur someone's wrath, maybe enjoy myself.
I have to stop thinking that my life is over. The past one is, but there's something ahead. Maybe a lot, maybe not.
What can I do? One thing is for sure - I need to stop looking in the obituaries to see if my name is there. I need to decide on what to do with the house. Decide where to move. Decide what new project to take on. Only my own reluctance to be involved in life will prevent me from moving forward.
I'm comfortable thinking about Joe with the Lord - there was never any question in my mind that it is where he would wind up - but it's time for me to think about what I have to do until hopefully we meet again. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me but I know that neither He nor I can do it alone. It's time to do my part, whatever that is. There are new roads to follow and hopefully with the grace of God I will find a new and different kind of contentment.
We had a lovely, long, loving trip together. But as often happens at the end of any journey, it's time to bid farewell until we meet again.
Lightning CAN Strike Twice
[Note: My mom was blessed to have had two great loves in her life, my dad and Alex. Alex was an old friend of both my dad and his brother — Lordy I wish I had asked him more questions when I had the chance. The picture below is at at the wedding of a cousin of my father. My uncle Vinnie if fifth from the right; Alex is the tall guy rising Kilroy-esque above his shoulder. Why wasn’t my dad there? The answer is lost to the ages.]
Alex had always thought that he would probably die in his 60s as had many of his family. And yet in 1992 we found ourselves both widowed and dating.
Alex and I had a wonderful life. He was a robust, good looking gentleman who treated me and our life together as a wonderful adventure. Alex and I knew each other for over 40 years. Alex was Joe's good friend and soon was mine as well. Joe and I were married in 1953 and had six children. We remained good friends with Alex, who married Dell in 1957 and had four children. Joe died in 1987 after 34 and 1/2 years of marriage and Dell died in 1991 after 34 and a half years of marriage as well. And then we found each other.
Was this kismet or the stars aligning or what? How could I have been so lucky to find two such wonderful men with whom to share my life?
Alex and I had 23 years together. 23 years that neither of us expected to have and we enjoyed every single one until Alex came down with acute leukemia on August 3rd 2015. He passed away 33 days later on September 4th and so began the realization that indeed I was in my '80s since the obituary listed Alex's age as 85. I could no longer pretend to be younger and realistically who even cared.
Some Thoughts on Turning 85
Most of the advice about aging gracefully is written by younger people who really have no firsthand knowledge of what it's like to be this age. A friend suggested that perhaps I could enlighten the world. I'll try.
First of all, turning 85 did not turn me into an imbecile. I still know how to add and subtract, and 2 + 2 is still four. I can decide to come and go as I choose and eat or not when I want. I realize I can no longer skip or run or jump and I wish I could. Probably the hardest part of being this age is knowing a whole lot and having no one with whom to discuss it.
Because I've lived through 8 and 1/2 decades, out of necessity I have amassed ahead so full of so much minutiae that is of no use to anyone but me. However there are a few things that I’ve learned: 1) respect the opinions of others even when they differ dramatically from your own; 2) be honest every day -- not just sometimes, but always.
Being alive in a time when probably 90% of the population is younger than you means that almost anything you say or do can be dismissed as “old people's thinking” Of course, that is sometimes true, but occasionally we utter words of wisdom. After all, we didn't just vegetate all those years. We learned, not as people learn today with all the world operating in an electronic funnel, but through our parents, our friends, and teachers. Even though it was not spelled out, we learned that having integrity in everything you do was probably the important lesson.
I understand that continuing to live in Delaware -- with my children living 3 to 10 hours distant -- is not ideal, but for now suits my lifestyle. I am really blessed in not having any outstanding medical problems and as long as that continues, I shall continue to call Delaware home, knowing that when the time is right to live somewhere else and hopefully it will not be assisted living or a nursing home.
Thoughts On Cream of Wheat - the Week Before She Died
You know, there’s one thing that they don't really serve too much anymore. The place I went the other day – wherever I was - they asked me what I wanted for breakfast. And I thought, “Hmmm. What do I want?” And I said, “I know. Cream of Wheat.”
Cream of Wheat is always good. It tasted so good. And yet there are still people who just go, “Oh. Cream of Wheat.”
How much are they going to charge me for this Cream of Wheat?
